Quarter Life Crisis

Junior year is some heavy stuff, man. Everywhere I look, the threat of Real Life looms. Mostly I just try not to think about it, but people tell me that now is the time that I should be figuring out what I want to do with my life (and by people, I mean my mother). I am not smart enough for academia (and by ‘smart’, I mean ‘pretentious’), I have no marketable skills, and I’m not interested in going to law school (zing!).

I know you are very concerned about me, but have no fear. I did some rull, rull deep introspectin’ and made the following list. I think it shows that I am serious about my future.

Rob’s Elana’s Top Five Dream Jobs

1. A Shirelle. I would really like to be a member of an all-girl doo wop group. Preferably from Detroit, but I don’t want to set the bar too high. One’s goals should be accessible. I’m not asking to be Diana Ross, either, I’d even be willing to be the Supreme that got kicked out of the band. I just want to wear a sparkly dress and a beehive and spin and snap while I sing harmony. Is that so strange? All right, singing is not my forte. Okay, neither is dancing. But I am a damn good snapper. That must count for something.

2. Kim Deal. I would settle, however, for being the chick bassist of a really great rock band. Or even a not so great rock band. I mean, I can almost play bass. I was in a crust punk band (like thrash metal only played very badly) for the longest (and loudest) five minute set in the history of high school talent shows. I am experienced.

3. A Surf Bum. Let’s get one thing straight: I am not talking about professional surf contest entering. No, my name will be Kahuna, and I will chase the surf all over the globe. Okay, so I’ve only seen the ocean three times in my life, and I can’t really swim (although I passed the shit out of my swim test freshman year, effectively silencing my doubters. Take that, mom!). I do know how to snowboard, kind of, and I have seen Gidget a billion times. Also, I have a really cool beach towel with Albert Einstein on it. So, totally viable.

4. A Conservative Taking Head. In high school I used to be all, “Up the punx!!!1! I love Emma Goldman!” Now that I can vote, I’m a little more “I will support the most progressive Democratic candidate,” but either way this probably seems like kind of a strange choice. At first blush, yes, but let us delve a little deeper. See, sometimes I like to pretend that Glenn Beck and his ilk are pulling some epic Andy Kaufman-esque subversive act on all of us. Dude weeps on the air. It helps me sleep better. Seriously, imagine with me here: Fox News, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh- they’re all secret socialists, and their homophobic, xenophobic, racist nonsense is designed to wreak havoc on what little shreds of credibility the neocons have left. I mean, it could be true. I refuse to accept that they are taken seriously; that level of crazy is a parody of itself. Oh, what’s that you say? There are still people who believe that Barack Obama wasn’t born in America? Oy, my ulcer is acting up.

5. (Because I already ripped off this whole idea from High Fidelity anyway) An Architect. Seven years training? Wouldn’t I rather be, say, a Sun Columnist? Meh. I would rather be a member of the Wu Tang Clan, though. Or a writer for John Stewart. Or an ice cream taster, or a professional sleeper. Hey, a guy can dream (cue rimshot).

So I don’t really have any plans. I figure I’ve got two years to figure it out. Probably I will do something AmeriCorps related postgrad, which will buy me another year or two. Then maybe I will go to grad school. If I play my cards right, I bet I can put off becoming an Actual Adult until I’m pushing thirty. This is the 21^st century. Maturity is, like, so over. Unless one of you knows of a job that consists of reading comic books and celebrity gossip on the internet, in which case—Hook a brother up!

Thanks folks, you’ve been great. My name is Elana and I’ll be here all semester. Be sure to tip your waiter.