So, Twilight, man. What’s up with that? Here comes the most embarrassing confession I will ever make in this column: I went to see New Moon this weekend. Yes, opening weekend.

It’s not (quite) as bad as it sounds. It was a sociological experiment, of sorts. I went to observe me some tweens, and to see what this sexy glittering vampire business was all about. Also, for the lulz.

Only here’s the thing. The audience? It wasn’t all tweens. There were some grown ass people there, unabashedly wearing “Team Edward” shirts and shushing gigglers (me) like it was their job.

So that was pretty disturbing. But even more disturbing than the old ladies (and the horrible dialogue and the world’s slowest pacing) was the plot up in this piece. I’m sure this has already been written about extensively, but I have thus far steered pretty clear of the Twilight oeuvre, so it’s all used car new to me.

I knew that Stephanie Meyers was a repressed Mormon housewife going into this, and the “vampire biting you = sex” trope is as old as, well, Anne Rice, anyway, but oh my god. Edward, the vampire lover man, won’t “change” Bella, the shy, quiet human girl, until they’re married. And he won’t touch her at all, for fear he’ll lose control. Love me some weird Christian propaganda in my monster movies. [Insert your own zombie Jesus joke here.] (Wow, I can’t believe you just said that. Bad form, my friend.)

The most disturbing part of this whole movie, though, was realizing that bajillions of little girls idolize this Bella girl and want an Edward of their very own. I will admit to harboring some pathetic juvenile crushes in my day, but Edward is not a good guy. He is controlling and scary. Real life Edward would get slapped with a restraining order. Seriously, this relationship is more textbook abusive than any warning scenario you ever read about in health class. Also, man is 109 years old to Bella’s 18 or whatever. Just putting that out there.

At the beginning of the movie, Edward’s brother tries to eat Bella, so Edward leaves Bella “for her own sake,” of course, and she is, like, super depressed for awhile (a long, long while. Did I mention how slow this movie was? Damn). Then she starts hanging out with Jacob, who, coincidentally, turns out to be a werewolf. Putting aside the fact that they made that poor 17 year old actor pack on, like, 30 pounds of muscle, this seems like a better match for her. They’re actually friends, it seems like, instead of “deeply in love” a k a “he tells me where to go and what to wear and who to see.” Even this boy dads her a little bit, but that’s more because girl is dumb as fuck. She goes on this adrenaline junkie kick, because Edward made her promise to “keep safe” or something, so she sees him in her head when she disobeys. Ridiculous. So Jacob seems like the better guy until the movie gives us this little gem.

Jacob is a member of a werewolf pack, of course. And they all congregate at Sam’s girlfriend’s house. What’s this? She has a giant scar on half her face? Oh, it’s because he got mad and morphed too close to her? But it’s OK, because she forgave him, and they lived happily ever after, right? Oh, spousal abuse, ain’t no thang. Battered women should just forgive and forget. I am, of course, being sarcastic/please don’t kill me, Women’s Resource Center.

I just want to shake this Bella girl. Get her some therapy. And I want to shake the entire Twilight fan base. I get it, man. Bella’s all shy and quiet and she likes to read, and you totally identify with her, but c’mon. Maybe we read, I dunno, Jane Eyre? I mean, Mr. Rochester is also problematic, but at least that shit is well written.

Seriously, though. It frightens me that little girls are idealizing this kind of relationship. My little brother is 14 and got dragged to this movie by his “NOT my girlfriend.” Apparently, she’s like super into it. And while I’m always happy that the kids are reading or whatever, this just seems like an alarming trend. Our generation’s badly written fantasy series was empowering, at least. And Hermione was the smartest one!

The state of the yout (no h on purpose) today, man. Oy, I am so old.

So I was going to write another kitschy column about how I’ve morphed into a frat bro. It was going to be pretty great, too, replete with mid 90’s hip hop references and copious use of the phrases “legit,” “bro,” and “yo.” But I am experiencing a brief bout of self-righteousness, so please excuse this foray into the semiserious. Don’t worry, next time I will return to talking about myself.

I want to talk about food. Specifically, fresh fruits and vegetables. Fresh produce is great. It’s good for you, it tastes good, and it would be awesome if everyone and their mom could have fresh veggies for dinner every night. Community gardens are the shit, and Michelle Obama is super cool for starting one at the White House.

But here’s the deal, all you “slow food revolution,” Omnivore’s Dilemma worshipping dudes and dudettes out there: privilege. Recognize that you’ve got it. It’s awesome that you have the means and the will to eat locally grown food and to prepare meals from scratch with organic produce. Seriously, I’m not even being sarcastic. Much. I agree that industrial farming is pretty evil. And everything we eat has corn in it because the government subsidizes it like a motherfucker. And we should try to change that, no question.

The thing that really bugs me about books like Omnivore’s Dilemma, though, is that there’s no acknowledgement that living this way isn’t possible for a large portion of the American public. We’re talking socioeconomics, folks. The element of judgment that comes from these food attitudes (which I will refer to as “fooditudes” from now on, just for fun) just ain’t cool, guys. That’s right, Elana’s getting serious.

Organic food is really expensive (and organic farming is super inefficient, but that’s a rant for another day. You can email me if you really want to hear it, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s even less funny than this column). Also, just putting this out there, as far as evil corporations go, Whole Foods is pretty high on the list. Unless being Wal-Mart level anti-union is your bag, I guess. But you shop at a co-op, of course. Well, good for you, way to embrace those socialist ideals and whatnot. The food is still ridiculously overpriced.

So that’s pretty obvious, right? A lot of people can’t afford to buy free range eggs or hand raised kale that’s been sung to every night or whatever the latest trend in yuppiedom is. But the problem runs deeper than that. See, a lot of low-income neighborhoods don’t even have grocery stores that sell fresh produce. At all. It’s pretty damn impossible to buy stuff you don’t have any access to. And if you’re working full time and you don’t have a car, it’s even harder. Which is why community gardens and efforts to bring fresh food into inner city areas are so cool and important. But it’s important to recognize that not everyone can make the choice to eat “the right way.”

It’s kind of like the argument I get in with Greenpeace whenever they try to stop me for signatures on the street (what? I really like to argue). We don’t have any proof that genetically modified foods cause cancer or health problems. We do, however, have proof that GM foods grow in areas where food wouldn’t otherwise grow, and thus feed people that wouldn’t otherwise have anything to eat. That strikes me as a little more important than vague, unfounded threats of future health problems.

Which I guess is the overall point I’m trying to make here: the agricultural-industrial complex is fucked up, definitely. But you know what’s really fucked up? The fact that there are people starving in our supposedly first world country, every day. The abundance of cheap, unhealthy foods leads to health problems and the paradoxically high cost of being poor in this country, and that’s why the system needs to change. Junk food is cheap, and vegetables are expensive. So by all means, continue to eat locally, but don’t dismiss those who can’t. Recognize how lucky you are to be able to make that choice.

Yo. Sweet. Bro. Legit.