mmm, a dying medium

I am applying to be a columnist for my school's newspaper. I know, right? What an exciting life I do lead. Anyhow, you have to fill out a short application before you submit your sample columns, to ascertain that you can read, or whatever. So I am going to post my answers here. For posterity's sake, of course. Also, I am a narcissist. Don't worry, you'll be getting those sample columns too. I know you are all (dad) sitting on the edges of your seats, on pins and needles, waiting with baited breath.

Without further ado, Elana Max's application to write an editorial column:

• Extracurricular activities, membership and leadership positions (please list): I play on the club hockey team, I am a member of the Campus Antiwar Network, I was a cofounder of the now-defunct Guilty Pleasures club (which is not what it sounds like. It was pop culure appreciation. Mostly we just watched movies like Fifth Element and listened to Devo). I went to a Fanclub meeting, once. [Ed. Note: Fanclub is a "music collective" that brings noise-electronica shows to campus, essentially. I talk a lot of smack, but really I am just jealous because I will never, ever be as hip as they are]

• Hobbies/Interests: Comix, mostly. Short stories, writing and reading them. Fixing up old bikes, playing soccer. Snowboarding. Tenor saxophone, bass guitar. Sustainable affordable housing. 1960’s Atlantic Stax Records (Otis Redding, Sam and Dave), surf, doo wop, Emma Goldman, punk shows. Minneapolis, the upper Midwest. I really like to read and write and listen to music, and be outside when it’s nice out.

• If you could interview one person who would it be? What five questions would you ask them?
I would like to preface my answer to this question by saying that it was really, really hard. The first person I thought of was Kim Deal, the bassist for the Pixies. Because I am a sad fangirl at heart, really, and I never matured past that late 80’s early 90’s “post punk punk/ pre grunge grunge” sound. That is a genre that I just made up, but I think it suits that sort of raw, unfinished sound; you know, bands you could imagine playing in dive bars. I would also like to interview Craig Finn, Paul Westerberg, and Bob Mould, if that helps.

Then I thought of Richard Hell. Because I love Television and the Voidoids and protopunk. Also, he is from Kentucky, which is pretty weird. I just learned that right now from Wikipedia. But I decided that I don’t really want to interview a musician, and if I did I should probably pick Miles Davis or something.

So then I thought of Daniel Clowes, who is a graphic novelist (yeah, whatever). He wrote the comic Ghost World, and the screenplay for the Scarlett Johanssen movie. So that’s pretty awesome. He is also a seriously deranged dude, which is also, you know, interesting. Then I thought of a lot of other comic type people, because that is really all I do with my life. Sit around and read comix, and not even the cool kinds about superheroes.

Basically this was all a big lead up to the fact that I would interview John Kennedy Toole, even though I should probably be interviewing WB Yeats or Langston Hughes or Bach or Henry the VIII. Because Confederacy of Dunces is the funniest, weirdest book I have ever read, and the only one he ever wrote, and he committed suicide. So he probably has (had?) a lot of things to say (I just Wikipedia-d him, and he wrote another book called Neon Bible. Oops. What an amazing thing, this Google box). Anyway, here are the five questions I would ask him:

1) Let’s just get this out of the way: Suicide, what’s up with that? Why did you choose to inhale gaseous fumes from your car? Aren’t there many more glamorous ways to go? (A little morbid, but we were all thinking it, right? Right? Ok, I am just a sick person. It’s all right, I have accepted it and moved on)

2) What’s your favorite spot in the city of New Orleans? (That’s where he was from, see, and what he wrote about. But it’s kind of a good question to ask anybody, when you think about it)

3) If you could pick anyone in the world to read your novel and give you feedback, who would it be? Why?

4) Who’s the hottest Disney princess? Ok, not really. If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be?

5) Who would you choose to play Ignatius in the movie version of Dunces?

• How would your column differ and what would it contribute to the current Opinion section?

For starters, sometimes I use pretty weird syntax. So that’s kind of cool. I still feel like kind of an outsider here; I’m from the Midwest and my parents are ex-hippies who work for nonprofits, and I think that that in itself lends me a perspective that’s a little different than a lot of the people at this school. I really like pop culture, all aspects, unabashedly, and I feel like I have some pretty amusing things to say. I am really good at writing bad puns, and I think your opinion page is lacking in self-aware nerdy word play. So there’s that.

• What question would you ask a potential columnist on an application?

If you could choose anyone in the entire scope of history to be your parent, who would it be?

And that, as they say, is that.